Re: Who religion banter!

[SicilianMother@xxxxxxx]

I am going to step up here and share a few things.  I am opening myself up to 
alot of criticism, this can be a touch crowd in here.  But, knowing that I am 
vulnerable, I'll just act like I am tough too.  It is Who related, in a way.

As most know, I am a 35, single Mom, 3 young children, their father is a dead 
beat who is exiled himself in another country thus completely abandoning our 
children who are 7, 8 and 10.  Luckily, my Mom and dad live 10 houses down 
from me, that is the good news.

The bad news:  the onset of chronic depression at the age of 9 either set off 
by puberty or  being sexually molested by an uncle (who eventually went to 
prison for molesting another) I have battled with depression basically my 
whole life.

On July 28th of this year (less then 3 months ago), I attempted suicide.  The 
two thoughts I had before I went unconscious were "my kids will be better off 
without me" and the final thought was "I am going to hell, but I bet I'll 
know some people there, maybe even John (Entwistle). (This is based on my own 
religious beliefs).  And with that, I was 100% ready to go.  Obviously, the 
only place I ended up "going" to were a couple of hospitals.

I made sure that my kids would not be the ones who found me, and they didn't. 
 Fortunately, while I was in the hospital recovering, all the kids knew was 
that Mom had a bad headache and the Drs. were running test.  They played and 
swam with all of their cousins.  I am forever in debt to my family for 
helping me by taking good care of my kids, while I got my shit together.

I survived (obviously).  I fucked up doing that.  What was I thinking that my 
kids would be better off without me?  I will always have that guilt, it is 
very painful to admit.  But, the good news is, that was the first attempt and 
definitely the last.  I have been under a Drs. care for depression for 
decades, but no matter how dark that cloud gets, I will never put my own 
insane fantasies of "it being over" in front of the responsibilities that I 
have for my kids.

Yesterday became a very emotional day.......being John's memorial service and 
all.  I swear I thought I'd be where he is.  I am so thankful I am not (yet), 
but so sad that he is still there.  

That's basically it.

Sincerely,
Johanna <feeling like she is standing in a room and the only one with no 
clothes on...LOL>