Armchair Duce

[Michael Gooen <callmebogie@yahoo.com>]

Time for my yearly outpouring of unfettered optimism.  Well, perhaps not
quite unfettered, but I actually do believe the glass is half-full this
summer despite "Captain Queeg" Pitino's attempts to drain it.

I consider it a refreshing change that Pitino and Wallace have NOT
completely overhauled the roster.  Pitino was right about one thing during
last season's rant -- the team has youth and considerable talent.  The key
is harnessing it.  

Rick, if you're reading this, here's what I would do if I were you for the
rest of the summer.

1.  Don't cry over lost free agents.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad?  Please.  He's
played for three teams in three years; how has he helped them?  What does
he give you that Calbert Cheaney (whom we all hope will be free of serious
family issues this year) won't?  It's not as if Moiso needs an
interpreter.  Let Tariq be Dan Issel's $40 million mistake.  Ron Mercer? 
Double please.  Granted, a humbled Ron, signed for the $2.25 million
exception and willing to accept an instant offense off the bench role
would have helped considerably.  But that simply wasn't in the cards.  If
the Bulls really are giving him 6 years and $69 million as reported on
ESPN, the joke's on them.  If they're giving him 4 years and $28 million
(if I remember correctly, the amount the C's originally offered to Ron) as
reported in the Chicago papers, the joke's on Ron.  Either way he isn't
worth it and isn't necessary.  Paul Pierce is the two guard.  

2.  SIGN DANNY FORTSON.  Unless the C's can get something of value back
(and I'd rather get NOTHING than a millstone like Vinny Del Negro -- maybe
Ron Artest from Chicago in a 3 way with Golden State?) and/or package some
of their own contractual millstones (THE FOREMOST BEING KENNY "I CAN'T
PLAY WITH PAUL PIERCE, I CAN'T PLAY WITH RON MERCER, I CAN'T PLAY WITH
ANTOINE WALKER, ANYBODY NOTICE A PATTERN HERE?" ANDERSON), keep him.  How?
 Seems to me Danny wants to play the 4, which he can do with the Warriors,
and wants to get paid, which he can't unless the C's cooperate.  So make
it clear -- Danny is the Celtics' starting power forward, getting 25-30
minutes there (unless he fouls out) and playing center only in an
emergency.  Give Danny a 4-5 year deal at Battie money, maybe a bit more. 
And here's the key -- GIVE HIM AN OPT-OUT AFTER TWO YEARS.  By that time,
if he still wants to leave, Moiso may be ready (says the optimist in me).

3. Don't even THINK of trading draft picks unless they're lottery
protected.  Probably shouldn't trade the 2001 picks anyway.  The value of
those picks will only appreciate as the draft draws nearer.  If I were
Paul Gaston, I'd sooner eat Rick's bloated contract for trading draft
picks than for his failings on the court.  Give up a shot at Eddie
Griffin, Eddy Curry or Dajuan Wagner and you won't have to jump off the BU
Bridge.  There'll be a long line waiting to push you.

4. The key:  Antoine Walker.  Rick, stop yapping about his "top five
potential" and his lack of a routine.  GIVE HIM a routine.  Give him a
clearly defined role AS A SMALL FORWARD (albeit one who plays down low on
offense).  Apologize to him for having waited three years to do so.  Move
to Chicago for the summer.  Move into Antoine's friggin' house if you have
to.  Give him the following mission:  get in shape (not "Karl Malone"
shape or "Scottie Pippen" shape, just BASKETBALL shape, if for no other
reason than sparing us all the sight of Antoine's bloated belly hanging
over his baggy shorts on opening night).  Work on lateral quickness and
study film of every other NBA small forward so that he'll be ready to
guard them.  Work on free throw shooting (with 75-80% as the goal),
mid-range shooting (NO THREES PERMITTED) and the development of one
consistent low post move.  Do those things, Antoine, and it's a return
trip to the All-Star Game, a likely playoff debut, and silence from those
who disrespect you.  Fail to do those things, Antoine, and Adrian Griffin
starts, you become Danny Fortson's highly overpaid backup and everyone
gives up on you.  Maybe even my daughter.

5. Lose the headless chicken monkey outbreak.  Perhaps it'll work as a
dance craze (maybe Walter McCarty can set it to music and perform it on
"Soul Train", since he certainly hasn't shown that he and his $8 million
contract belong on a BASKETBALL COURT).  However, it doesn't seem to stop
NBA teams from scoring at will over the course of a game.  I have seen
players on this team play defense.  I have seen Antoine Walker stop
smaller players.  I have seen Paul Pierce eat opposing two guards (namely,
Ron Mercer) for lunch.  I have seen Tony Battie thoroughly embarrass
Antonio McDyess in the post.  I have even seen Kenny Anderson try.  It can
be done, as long as you don't end up with Danny Fortson chasing Muggsy
Bogues and Dana Barros bodying up to Shaq.
 
There you have it, Rick.  NOW QUIT WASTING YOUR TIME WINING AND DINING
RANDY BIMBOS AND GET BUSY.

Michael Gooen

P.S.  To avoid any possibility of a libel suit, let me emphasize that my
use of the term "Randy Bimbos" refers to two extremely mediocre point
guards rather than loose women -- though I'm not entirely sure which would
help the Celtics less.

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