I Miss Brett Szabo

[Michael Gooen <callmebogie@yahoo.com>]

It was so much nicer a couple of years ago when I could just shrug my
shoulders and realize that the Celtics were losing because they just
plain sucked.

I have been preaching "patience" as loudly as anyone.  After this
excrable run, I'm now clinging to the following thin reeds of hope:

1.  The Celtics,  more than any other team in the NBA, needed a full
summer of conditioning and practice.  They didn't get it and the results
are showing now.

2.  The Celtics' 5 key players -- Walker, Pierce, Mercer, Potapenko and
Battie -- are 24 and younger.  There is time, as long as Pitino and Mr.
Second Round Draft Pick don't do anything STUPID....

3.  The upcoming draft class blows.  Steve Francis is horribly
overrated.  Lamar Odom is the second coming of Tim Thomas.  Elton Brand
is actually 6'2" and will end up playing tight end somewhere with those
vaunted huge hands of his.  Andre Miller is fat and slow.  And Wayne
Turner will slip to the second round -- or else Utah will draft him with
one of their 15 first round picks and forget to sign him the way Indiana
did with Minor a few years back.  We don't really want to waste a
guaranteed 3 year deal on anyone coming out of college this year.

4.  Perhaps this entire season is a horrible dream and we can all wake
up, Pam Ewing-like, to a lockout-free November opening night featuring a
well-conditioned, well-drilled BASKETBALL TEAM INSTEAD OF THE MINDLESS
HORDE OF OVERPAID, SELFISH, WHINING, LAZY QUITTERS WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO
STOMACH NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.....

Anyone notice that Dee Brown dropped 7 threes on the Bulls last night?

I'll fess up, even if no one else has said it.  I miss Chauncey Billups.
 Maybe he wasn't a real point guard, but at least he could play defense.
 I miss John Thomas -- a wide body with actual working knees.  And what
do the Celtics have to show for them?  Zan Tabak's cap room (which the
Celtics were able to use to sign ... Schintzius?)?  Oh, that's right,
Rick & Chris -- you got Kenny. You bastards.  

I haven't bothered to look at this evening's box score; I only know that
the ferocious Timberpoodle defense (which apparently didn't faze the
Clippers on Sunday night) held the Celtics under 70.  My suggestion: 
let's start with the point guard.  I recommend that we strap Kenny to a
chair and force his eyelids open, Clockwork Orange-style, while running
an endless loop of Tiny Archibald game film.  If that helps him figure
out how to run an NBA offense, maybe we can do the same for Rick with an
endless loop of Red on Roundball. 

Actually, what I'd really love to see is a reprise of something that
happened back in the 80s.  I would like every living Celtic whose number
graces the rafters (and Paul Silas, representing #35) to call, fax,
e-mail or simply show up at the Fleet Center and personally tear each
current Celtic -- including El Presidente -- a new orifice.  It'd sound
a lot more authentic coming from them than from Pitino.  How 'bout it --
a good old fashioned intervention to save a team that seems to be
addicted to QUITTING?

Michael Gooen
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