Lockout Humor

[mgooen@lowenstein.com]

For the record, if I had to pick a side in this dispute I'd
favor the players.  I hate to say it, but Jordan is right --
if Abe Pollin can't make money, he could and should sell the
Bullets tomorrow at a nice profit.  That goes TRIPLE for
Gaston, since he actually has the rights to a player who
DESERVES a $100,000,000 deal -- that's right -- Antoine
Walker, who deservedly made the All-Star team arguably
playing out of position and who is still younger than Larry
Bird was when Bird first donned Celtic green.  You all have
the right to your opinions, but if Walker is traded for
anything less than Tim Duncan I will be furious.

All that said, in light of Patrick Ewing's and Kenny
Anderson's comments I had to chuckle at the following.
Enjoy!

**********************************************************
"NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU

With NBA players locked out by team owners, now is the time
for us to show the world just how much we care.  It's just
not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own
country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary
line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be
deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year!

But now you can help!  For only about two thousand dollars a
day - that's less than the retail cost of a large screen
projection TV - you can help keep a basketball player
economically viable during his time of need.  Two thousand
dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but
to a basketball player it could mean the difference between
a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean
cruise.  For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than
a few months' rent or mortgage payment.  But to a basketball
player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his
salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a
player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the
year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on
the player you sponsor.  Detailed information about his
stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment
holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump
sum he will receive upon retirement.

"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL
FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need.  Although
the player won't know your name, he will be able to make
collect calls to your home via a special operator just in
case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a locked-out
NBA player. My preference is checked below:
           [ ] Starter
           [ ] Reserve
           [ ] Star*
           [ ] Superstar**
           [ ] Entire team***
           [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please
select one for me.


           * Higher cost
           ** Much higher cost
           *** Call our 900 number to ask the cost of a
specific team.  (Does not include cheerleaders)

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for
reserve or starter for the duration of the lockout.

Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored,
along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players
Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ]MasterCard [ ]Visa [ ]American Express [ ]Discover
[ ]Diner's Club

Your Name: _______________________________
Telephone Number:  _______________________
Account Number: __________________________
Exp.Date: ________________________________


Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call
1-888-TOO-MUCH now to enroll by phone (Children under 18
must have parent's approval)

Note:  Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they
have sponsored, either in person or by other means
including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters,
e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball
player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his
free time, thanks to your generous donations.
>
Contributions are NOT tax deductible and in fact will be
subject to Federal, and possibly state, gift tax.