Lost in Bawstin

["Anne M. Dakes" <ad6u@avery.med.virginia.edu>]

This is a bit long (and not really Celtic related), but thought
you would enjoy...

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BOSTON- LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT
The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston
University" to the cabbie at Logan and ended up at BC? You're
right.  It wasn't a misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you
weren't bon heah, so he took you  for a ride.
By now, you know that nobody in the Hub calls it
Boston University. We don't really call it the Hub, either,
except in headlines. By the time you graduate, you'll also be
able to tell Southie from the South End, know how to pronounce
Gloucester and who should have been at first base instead of
Bill Buckner.
You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to
JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock
Building means in the summer. And if you're smaht, you'll know
how not to get cahded at the Packie. Herewith, a student's
survival guide to Bawstin:
How we tok
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over
here from East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically
the broad A and the dropped R, which we add to words ending in
A - pahster, Cuber, soder.  For the broad A, just open your
mouth and say "ah,"like the docta says. So car is cah, park is
pahk. If you want to talk like the mayah, repeat after me:  "My
ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah. "
When we say: \ We mean:
bzah\ odd
flahwiz\ roses, etc.
hahpahst\ 30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya?\ How are you?
khakis\ what we staht the cah with
pissa\ superb
retahded\ silly
shuah\ of course
wikkid\ extremely
yiz\ you, plural
hoss\ the cops ride these
ruff\ top of your house

How we'll know you weren't bon heah
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it "Worchester."
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it "Copely" Square.
You go to BU.

Getting around
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and
19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by
land, two if by sea."
Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah. And which
Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren
Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren
Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on
School Street, no court on Court Steet, no dock on Dock Square,
no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington,
Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A,
B, C, D.  If the streets are named after trees (Walnut,
Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after
poets, you're in Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
Readville doesn't exist.
The North-East-
South-West thing

Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. 
The North End is east of the West End.
The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it
one night.
Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.
About our "cuisine":
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't. 
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and
flavored, it's tonic. When we mean tonic water, we say tonic
water.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. 
If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out,
heat it, and eat it with baked beans.
They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the
ninth century.
People without last names:
Dapper
Whitey
Raybo
Natalie
Roger
Julia

Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa. 
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. 
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that. 
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care. 
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, twocourthouses, two
Hancock buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a
Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in'smoots.' 
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk. 
Ray Flynn used to be mayah.
Kids play hahkey.  What the hell is soccah?
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave. 
Yaz wore 8, Ted wore 9.  Larry is 33.  The Chief will always be
double-oh.
Rogah nevah should have left the Sox.  The Rohkit is still
wicked.  A formah govenah is the Duke.  The Sox general managah
is Duquette-both ah jerks.
If you're upset about sports, you call EEI and tahk to the Big
O.  The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it
isn't from Mississippi.
Argeo Paul Cellucci, the governor, is just acting.  To get back
to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line - then
grab the bus.
There is no coffee with milk and sugar.  That's a medium
regulah.
A burgah is good at Micky D's.  Or Burgah King.  
If you have a few pops at a bah, don't expect soder.  If you
fly into Logan, expect at least 2 ahwas to getoutta there.  The
Sumnah sucks all the time.    
Miscellaneous
The Hub: A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the
Universe. It was -in 1775.
The Big Dig: The downtown highway project that's taking longer
and costing more than it should. The latest excuse for why
traffic here is bzah.
The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather
forecast: "Steady blue, clear view/Flashing blue, clouds
due/Steady red, rain ahead/Flashing red, snow instead. " In the
summer, flashing red means the Sox home game has been called
off.
Now you are versed in how to tahk in Boston.  Make shuah you
know howta getouta here!

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