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Tech Support Nietzsche Style
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Guidelines:
- ----------
When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling.
Only a loser
would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may
fall from your
godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and
the strong, that
his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him
with the utter
contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.
Key Phrases:
- -----------
"You aren't very smart, are you?"
"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please resist
from using it -
you are soiling it."
Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user,
even though he is
sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque
shambling confusion.
He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on
ambitions of
evolving to your level.
Key Phrases:
- -----------
"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to
comprehend."
"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a
Mongoloid
programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
"What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of failing
to empty your
colostomy bag."
Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler
is at fault.
This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The
design of a
compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to
worship, not
criticize.
Key Phrases:
- -----------
"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike
comprehension."
"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8. You are
familiar with
that section, I assume..."
"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by
long exposure to
users of your caliber."
And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or
send him an
example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature.
Such creatures
as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is
impossible and
against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response
is not
possible.
Dan Qualisms:
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people"
--J. Danforth Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history But we all lived
in this century. I didn't live in this century"
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good
judgements in the future."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in
the world."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of
Europe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
Dumb things said in american history:
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone
With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca
Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president,
Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or
we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college
yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to
react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high
schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson,
Chairman of the Board, IBM.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral
William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry
Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of
television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Memorable Quotes:
"Larry Bird Stole the Ball! Oh my this place is going crazy!"
-Johnny Most
When I'm tired and thinking cold,
I hide in my music, forget the day,
and dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
It's more than a feelin.
-Boston
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage- MANAGEMENT!
-The Dilbert Pirnciple
I need a chance just to get away,
If you could hear me think this is what I'd say:
Don't need nothin but a good time!
-Poison
Does this guy think I'm a scientist or a rock star?
-Ozzy Osbourne