Re: Glancing very briefly at the songs I write: Sunrise

["Scott Schrade" <schrade@akrobiz.com>]

> "You take away the breath I was keeping for sunrise"

Sounds too cliche' to me.  Taking one's breath away & all.  Not very
original.  And what's he saying here?  Was he going to hold his breath
until sunrise?  Exactly which one of his breaths was he saving for sun-
rise?  And how did he know it was going to be a sunrise that would 
take his breath away?  Not every sunrise is "breath-taking."

> "You appear and the morning looks drab in my eyes"

This is an OK line.  I like the use of "drab."

> "Then again I'll turn down love having seen you again
> Once more you'll disappear
> My morning put to shame"

So she takes his breath away & yet he turns down her love?  Ruining
what?  His breakfast?  "My morning *put to shame?*"  That phrase seems 
amateurish to me.

> "Sometimes I feel this will go on my life through
> Each day I spend in an echoing vision of you"

"...go on my life through?"  Does he mean "go on throughout my life?"
That's an awkward line.  "...echoing vision of you" is a neat phrase, nice-
ly combining two words associated with separate senses.

> "And then again I'll turn down love
> Remembering your smile
> My every day is spent
> Thinking of you all the while"

He took the easy way out, tacking on another cliche' (..."all the while")
in order to cheaply salvage a rhyme with "smile."  Kinda weak.

> "Some times I've let myself down
> My head spinning round
> My eyes seeing only you
> The chances I've lost
> Opportunities tossed away and into the blue"

The simplistic cliche's keep coming:  "...let myself down," "...head spinning,"
"...eyes seeing only you," "...chances...lost."  The last line is OK but it can't
save the stanza.  Hardly fresh word use here.

I've never liked this song.  The lyrics or the stodgy melody.  "Tattoo" succeeds
brilliantly where this song wallows in cliche's & sappiness.

"Sunshine On My Shoulder" by John Denver is 100 times more stirring.


- SCHRADE in Akron