Sports Guy on the NBA (with some decent Celtics stuff)

["Berry, Mark S" <berrym@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Some good stuff on the playoffs. I think he and Ainge MAY be on the same
wavelength when it comes to point guards (Jay Williams, Andre Miller). But
you're not getting Jay Williams without making it a bigger deal involving
Antoine. Anyway, here you go... 


http://espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/030515.html
<http://espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/030515.html> 


The Sports Guy Stock Report
By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist	

	
In the words of George Costanza ... "I'm back, baby!" 
After a tumultous six-month stretch which included a cross-country move, new
digs, a new job, a new dog, my very own Vegas bachelor party, and yes, even
a marriage, the merry-go-round stops here. Remember when Jimmy Chitwood told
the town of Hickory, "I think it's time I started playing ball again?" Well,
I think it's time I started writing columns again. 
My original plan was to wait until next week, then unleash a two-part NBA
playoff awards-movie quotes column heading into the conference finals. But I
couldn't allow another unchallenged week for Charley Rosen on Page 2, not
after his "How the Celtics could come back against the Nets" column last
week. Really, this is how Page 2 replaced me as their basketball guru? The
Celtics couldn't have taken 4 games from the Nets if it was a 27-game
series. If you're not starting that column, "Suggestion No. 1: Try to knock
Jason Kidd unconscious every time he drives to the basket," why even bother?
Whatever. I'm back, it's the middle of the NBA playoffs, Doug Christie's
wife is giving him seaweed baths before games, Chris Webber's gimpy knee
could take the Ewing Theory to new heights, the NBA is poised to fix another
Lakers series, and everything seems right with the world. Let's break out
our first Dow Report of the playoffs -- here's whose stock rose and dropped
in the first month:


Manu Ginobili ... it's funny, the NBA is turning into an assembly line for
athletic 2-guards, all of whom do the same things, just in slightly
different ways. So Ginobili comes into the league and sprains an ankle right
away, but anyone who watched him in the World Championships last summer knew
he would be making a splash at some point. So we're waiting, and we're
waiting ... and then, BOOM! There he is. A cerebral lefty who penetrates
with either hand, creates layups for teammates, comes up big offensively
when it matters, and wreaks absolute havoc defensively. It's like San
Antonio ordered him on Amazon.com and rush-delivered him in time for the
playoffs.
Anyway, I always judge players by two question: "Does he show up when it
matters?" and "How much would I enjoy playing with him?" Well, wouldn't you
absolutely love to play with Ginobili? Over any other 2-guard in the league?
Me, too. 


The Ewing Theory <http://espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/010509.html>  ... which
could take its biggest hit in years if Sacramento fails to make the NBA
Finals without Chris Webber. Stay tuned. If the Kings win the NBA title
without C-Webb, 16 months after the Pats won the Super Bowl with Drew
Bledsoe on the bench, we might be changing the "Ewing Theory" to the "Ewing
Law."


Kevin Garnett ... for playing two of the best playoff games I've seen in a
long time, Games 2 and 3 of the Lakers series. Just plain inspiring. I'm
willing to re-think this whole "KG can't be the franchise player on a
championship" thing.


Wally Szczerbiak ... for my money, pound for pound, he's the most overrated
player in the league. He can't even create his own shot. How does this guy
make an U.S. National team? Wait, don't answer that.
(That reminds me, did you see who snuck onto the U.S. Qualifying team this
summer? Ladies and gentleman, this year's winner of the Raef LaFrentz Award
for "Best Available Token White Guy" ... Mr. Nick Collison! Good Lord. If he
wasn't available, Plan B was apparently Joel Pryzbilla.)


Joe Dumars ... pulled the string on Stackhouse for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun
Prince (the unequivocal steal of the 2003 Draft), free agent Chauncey
Billups (for reasonable money), Ben Wallace & Chucky Atkins for Grant Hill,
Jon Barry for Mateen Cleaves, drafting Mehmet Okur (huh?), Corliss
Williamson for Jerome Williams, and he even gets to play with Memphis' No. 1
pick and eight figures of cap space this summer. Just an incredible GM job.
He's like the anti-Chris Wallace, isn't he?


The NBA ... for shattering its own record for "most fishy calls in one
game," during the watershed Game 3 of the Minnesota-LA series. It's hard to
pick one favorite, but I think I have to go with the fast break in OT where
Wally Szczerbiak ran alongside Kobe Bryant, allowed him to have the layup,
HELD HIS HANDS IN THE AIR TO SIGNIFY THAT HE WASN"T FOULING HIM, and they
still called a foul on him. Just a surreal game. Remember when the Nazis
were getting all the calls against the Allies down the stretch in "Victory"?
That's what this game was like. They should show it again on ESPN Classic's
new series "Great Fixed Games of the Kobe-Shaq Era."


Mateen Cleaves ... he's taken the "I'm not good enough to make the playoff
roster, but I'm still on the team" wardrobe thing to the next level. Did it
get any better than his Nate Archibald throwback jersey this week that
looked like an actual home jersey, coupled with the incessant finger
pointing and high-fiving? All he was missing was some necklaces and the rap
name "Black Haley."


NBATV ... I didn't mind that the NBA tossed some Round One games onto my
favorite DirecTV channel, but was that HDTV gimmick really warranted?
Seriously, do you know ANYONE with HDTV? It's like watching a 3D movie
without the glasses. I must have dropped 245 F-bombs during Game 2 of the
Pacers-Celts series. Plus, they stuck their creepy HDTV cameras in the
corners of the arenas, so it was like trying to watch a game with especially
crappy seats, only if you just finished two keg stands with Larry Eustachy.
Hey, I'm glad the 55 people with HDTV enjoyed it.


Mo Cheeks ... for helping out that 13-year-old girl sing the Star-Spangled
Banner before Game 3 of the Blazers-Mavs series. You know it's a moment that
transcends sports when my Mom calls me two days later and says, "Hey, how
'bout that Mo Cheeks?" Maybe the greatest anthem moment that didn't involve
Carl Lewis.


The Mavs ... first, they almost blow a 3-0 lead against the Blazers, which
would have been one of the most remarkable moments in gambling history (the
Blazers were 5000-1 underdogs to win the series after Game 3). Then they
steal a double-OT game against the Webber-less Kings in Game 3, come back
the next night and roll over. What does Dirk Nowitzki say after Game 4?
That's all right, it was like a free game for us. Really? There are free
games in a seven-game series? I had no idea. What's the opposite of "killer
instinct"? Pacifist instinct? Is anyone else waiting for them to blow this
Kings series?
(Maybe Jim Rome is right: Maybe the Cuban Treatment is doing this team more
harm than good. Chartered flights. Lockers the size of one-bedroom
apartments. $60 million contract extensions for guys averaging a 10-5. And
instead of acting like your boss, your owner travels to every game, dressed
like he just got kicked out of Ashton Kutcher's posse, high-fives you during
timeouts and acts like a general doofus. This team is soft, they've always
been soft, and it's going to bite them in the butt in the end. Contrast them
to ...


The Nets ... say what you want about the East, but that Game 4 victory in
Boston might have been the best moment of the playoffs. They had every
reason to roll over and finish off an overmatched Celtics team in five;
instead, they rallied back to force OT, trudged through two overtimes,
ripped the heart out of the Celts, and then J-Kidd rammed home the final
dagger with a meaningless 3-pointer at the buzzer. Just a hungry team taking
care of business. You learn a lot about a team when they're up 3-0 in a
seven-game series. Seriously. 


Boston fans ... for another round of "Wifebeater" chants at Jason Kidd this
spring. Wouldn't some simple booing get the message across? And aren't
sports supposed to be fun? What's fun about a "Wifebeater!" chant? Even
Philly fans wouldn't have sunk that low. All right, that's not true.


Danny Ainge ... cool, it's a guy running the Celtics who might actually know
what he's doing! I think this is a step in the right direction. Call me
crazy. 


Jimmy Jackson ... one of the strangest careers in the NBA continues. I
always thought he was the NBA version of Tim Matheson -- he should have been
a star for years and years, but the wheels came off, and you're not even
really sure when it happened or why. Do you know that Jackson averaged 25.7
points a game one year? That he's played for nine teams? That he never
appeared in a playoff game before this year? That he wasn't even in the
league when this season started? And now he's logging crunch-time minutes in
the Kings-Mavs series? Why hasn't somebody written a great magazine feature
about him?


Reggie Miller ... here's my theory: Because Reggie looks the same physically
as he did 10 years ago -- right down to the haircut, the skinny body, the
jumper, the stomping around the court, the underbite and everything else --
you're deceived into believing that he's the same player. He isn't even
close. It's an optical illusion. He's finished. Put a fork in him.
Fortunately for the Celtics, Isiah Thomas was hoodwinked like everyone else.
Which reminds me ...


Isiah Thomas ... Indiana's el foldo would have been the least surprising
collapse of the spring if Jack Osborne hadn't gone into rehab. Here are the
Pacers with 10 of the best 12 players in the Celtics series, including two
of the best 25 guys in the league (Jermaine O'Neal and Ron Artest), and they
lose convincingly ... and nobody even bats an eyelash. Are you KIDDING me?
This didn't bother anyone?
(It would be one thing if it looked like Isiah knew what he was doing, but,
I mean ... did you SEE him on the sidelines? Shouldn't we waive the
five-year waiting period and induct the Isiah Thomas Face into the Pantheon
of Faces? Was he even alive? What was with the whole "Standing frozen with
my hand under my lip" thing? He made David Gest seem animated by comparison.
I can't even imagine what it's like to be a Pacers fan and watch my team
blow that series -- it would have sent me on a three-state killing spree.)


To the best rumor of the playoffs ... that Pippen, Malone AND MJ are all
playing in LA next season. As the story goes, Pippen and Malone would split
the free-agent exemption, MJ would sign for the one-year veteran's minimum,
and David Stern would do about 800 backflips. Imagine that starting five
with Shaq and Kobe? On an 82-game schedule, ABC would somehow stick them on
national TV 154 times.


Phil Jackson ... can somebody get this man away from Kobe before his body
completely falls apart?


Doug Christie ... he's taking the Christie Jersey phenomenon to new heights.
Did you read how his wife made him a "soothing seaweed bath" before Game 4
of the Kings series, which he then credited to his inspired play? A soothing
seaweed bath? Can his teammates even make eye contact with him at this
point? Shouldn't cameras be following this man around 24-7?


The theory that "Yao Ming is the next great center in the NBA" ... have you
been watching these Spurs games? Tim Duncan is a center. He's a center. He
plays center. He's built like a center. Everything about him screams
"center." Offensively, he's a center. Defensively, he should be playing
center, but the Spurs are afraid to get him in foul trouble against the
Shaqs and Divacs of the world. But he's a center. He plays center. I will
not argue about this.


Allen Iverson ... for the two games he's about to unleash in Games 6 and 7
against the Pistons. Call it a preemptive stock purchase. He's good for 79
points at least, especially coming off a 5 for 25 and those two gagged
freebies in Game 2.
 

Jermaine O'Neal ... quietly hauled down 105 rebounds in that series. You
read that correctly. Imagine him playing with Duncan, Parker, Ginobili and
everyone else next season? Yikes. Just out of curiosity, where does "O'Neal
straight up for Dale Davis" rank among the most one-sided trades of the past
15 years? Probably behind "Robert Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki and Pat Garrity"
and "Charles Barkley for Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang," but
dead-even with "Chris Webber for Mitch Richmond," right?


Those NBA ads where Paul Simon sings that "I'm gonna watch you shine" song.
You know, my head is shining -- I just slammed it against my desk because I
can't get that freaking song out of my head. Whatever happened to the good
old days of the "NBA is Fannnnn-tastic!" ads, when the Pointer Sisters were
singing "I'm so excited!" and Worthy and MJ were dunking over everybody? Now
cuddly Paul Simon ballads are supposed to whet my appetite for playoff
basketball? I will now light myself on fire.


Dirk Nowitzki .... for that goofy goatee thing. Maybe the most enjoyable
facial hair on an athlete since Jeff Hostetler's cheesy porn mustache. I'm
not just asking for an episode of "The Life" that just follows Dirk and
Steve Nash hitting Dallas nightspots, I'm demanding it. Don't you think Dirk
wears leather pants and those Steve Sanders blouse-shirts when he goes on
the town? We need to know these things, don't we?
(Speaking of Steve Sanders ... I'm not ready to discuss the "90210" reunion
yet. No Tori Spelling, no Brian Austin Green, no Tiffani-Amber Thiessen,
Jason Priestley with a reconstructed face, a totally bald Mr. Walsh, and
Shannen Doherty apparently borrowing Baron Davis' teeth for the show? Are
they trying to rip my heart out? Let's just move on.)


Dikembe Mutombo ... yup, nobody ages faster than a seven-footer. It's a
bizarre process: Kareem, Ewing, Parish, Gilmore, Dikembe ... they all hit
their late 30s and immediately turned into James Donaldson. Like, instantly.


ABC ... for telecasting the NBA Lottery in prime time next week. This should
have happened 10 years ago. Who doesn't love the NBA Lottery? Of course,
knowing ABC, they'll probably have Lorenzo Lamas shooting a laser pointer at
Carmelo Anthony while Luke Walton gets an extreme makeover and 25 women
clamor to be LeBron James's first groupie.


Jack Nicholson ... apparently he's taken his "Drunk and somewhat delirious
guy in sunglasses at the awards shows" persona and merged it with his "Guy
at the Lakers game" persona. He's about two more vodka-and-tonics away from
pulling a Calvin Klein at the Staples Center. Hey, not that we'd be against
it.


Walter McCarty ... after a sterling playoff performance, he officially
cemented his reputation as the Poor Man's Robert Horry. Imagine him on a
team like the Lakers or Spurs? And speaking of coming-out parties, how 'bout
Tayshaun Prince's emergence this spring? Yet another guy who produced in
college and slipped in the draft because he didn't have a "typical" NBA
body. How many Cuttino Mobleys, Troy Murphys and Rip Hamiltons have to make
it (and how many Kedrick Browns have to fail) before NBA teams start
approaching the draft process differently?


Big Shot Rob Horry ... as much as I hate the Lakers, it pained me to see
that Game 5 three rattle in and out. Like the end of an era. And to think,
Horry's musical alter-ego Nate Dogg is still going strong (now he's hooked
up with 50 Cent).


Chauncey Billups... his sprained ankle against Philly was the biggest
disappointment of the playoffs, if only because he was putting himself on
the map Bibby-style this spring (77 points in the final two games of the
Orlando series????). Is there another player in the league quite like him,
someone with no discernable position, a throwback to the days when guards
were just guards and it didn't matter who brought the ball up? Just think,
just over five years ago, Rick Pitino traded him after 50 games. Savvy. 
By the way, have you noticed that Billups, Bibby, Stephon Marbury, Steve
Nash and Jason Williams all seemed to "get it" after a few years in the
league, like the lightbulb went off for all of them? And yet the four of
them played for 14 teams combined before it finally happened for them. Makes
you wonder ... shouldn't teams be more patient with young point guards, the
way NFL teams are patient with young QBs? If I were running an NBA team --
like, oh, say, Danny Ainge -- I'd spend my summer trying to pry a
"struggling" Jay Williams from the Bulls, or a "struggling" Andre Miller
from the Clips, just because those teams might be dumb enough to trade them.


Rick Adelman ... watching him get outmaneuvered by Don Nelson, Donn Nelson,
Donnn Nelson, Donnnn Nelson, Frank Drebin, and the other 19 Dallas
assistants gives me that same queasy feeling I get when Ashton Kutcher is
pulling pranks on Justin Timberlake and Frankie Muniz on that "Punk'D" show.
Come on, Rick ... we know you're not the greatest coach, but you're getting
outcoached by Don Nelson! Step it up! The Ewing Theory is at stake!


Kenyon Martin ... other than Billups, he's the guy who made the biggest jump
from "good" to "really, really good" this spring. He positively destroyed
Antoine Walker in Round Two, a much ballyhooed matchup which played out like
the first Frazier-Foreman fight. Down goes Antoine! Down goes Antoine! Down
goes Antoine! Down goes Antoine! Maybe the lowest moment was when Twan tried
to engage him in some trashtalking near the end of Game 3, and Martin pulled
the DeNiro "Can you believe this guy?" shrug-and-smile to the referees.
Downright humiliating.


The NBA ... for what they're about to do with Game 6 of the Lakers-Spurs
series tonight. The tentative officials for tonight's game: Dick Bavetta,
Earl Hebner and James Worthy.


TNT ... for its addition of "The Rack," that dopey shooting game where
people bank shots off the backboard. Why are these gimmicks so enjoyable?


TNT ... for its addition of Magic Johnson to its studio team. For the love
of God, why? This was like the cast of "Seinfeld" saying after season four,
"You know what, things are working great, we couldn't be more popular ...
let's add Nipsy Russell to the cast! He'll take us to the next level!" I
will never understand this until the day I die.


The Maloofs ... I just enjoy them. Every time the cameras show them, don't
you get the feeling that they can't wait for the playoffs to end, just so
they can go back to their lives -- owning the hottest casino in Vegas and
dating hot chicks? I always imagine them looking at their watches during
timeouts and saying, "Come on, come on, hurry up ... I want to be back at
the Palms by 12:30, it's 'Body Shot Night' at Rain." Can you blame them?


Tracy McGrady ... he wasn't quite ready for his "MJ against the Cavs in '88"
series. More importantly, I think he drops a notch behind Kobe again. Kobe
comes up big when it matters. In the last three games of that Pistons
series, you couldn't say the same about T-Mac. I'll admit it ... I'm
disappointed.


The Celtics ... for giving me one last memorable home game in Beantown (Game
6 against the Pacers, on a Thursday night, the only night I could have
possibly gone). I didn't realize how much I missed Boston until I was
standing in the Harp about 30 minutes before the game -- in a crowded bar
full of rabid Celtics fans chanting "here we go, Celtics, here we go!" --
and started talking to some readers, including a drunk guy wearing a John
Bagley warmup jersey from the 1992 season. You just don't have these moments
in California. People don't care about sports that much. They just don't.
Alas.