Los Angelose

[Mike Dynon <mdynon@ix.netcom.com>]

This is not Celtics-related, but we all love a good L.A. bashing, right?
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Welcome to Los Angelose!

Congratulations, Los Angeles, you're the worst sports city in the
country! Arsenic for everybody!

By Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly:
Posted: Thursday August 12, 1999 02:59 PM

How'd you do it? How'd you go from being the dominant sports town of the
1980s to flushing it all down the L.A. Basin? It has been 11 years since
any of your major pro teams won a title. Six years since any of them
even played for one. The last two times the Dodgers, the Lakers and the
(cough, cough) Mighty Ducks have tried the playoffs, they've been swept
out of them. The last Kings appearance ended in a sweep. Yessir, you're
a real western broomtown. 

Right now L.A. is a guy stuck in three hours of traffic, chewing on a
sorghum-enriched rice cake and listening to somebody on the radio go,
"Hey, Hacksaw! How's Tampa Bay gonna be this year?" 

You used to be a great baseball town. The Penguin. Carew. Nolan. Garv.
Now the only way either of your teams ends up first is if the newspapers
are read upside down. Combined, your Dodgers and Angels were 33 1/2
games out through Sunday, and school hadn't even started yet. And this
is with the second- and 12th-highest payrolls, respectively, in the big
leagues. Somewhere, Tommy Lasorda has his head in an oven. 

The other day, your punch-drunk Angels decided to use the same bat the
first time through the order. Leadoff hitter Orlando Palmeiro walked up
to the plate with the bat, struck out looking, laid the bat on the plate
for the next guy and walked off. Umpire Tim Tschida, thinking Palmeiro
was showing him up, nearly tossed him. Next week's idea: 25 players, one
wad of tobacco! 

The Lakers are All My Egos. The Clippers? Where else but L.A. could a
Velveetabrain like Elgin Baylor stay vice president of basketball
operations for 14 years? Let's see, during Elgenius's tenure, the team's
had 12 losing seasons and nine coaches, and legions of first-round picks
have become very tall doormen at SkyBar at the Mondrian Hotel. Yet
Baylor keeps getting a check. Fans would like to see him fired, but
nobody will admit to owning the Clippers. 

You built a gorgeous golf course, Ocean Trails in Rancho Palos Verdes,
and before it could open, the 18th hole fell into the Pacific. Last year
you hosted the U.S. Senior Open at Riviera -- Italian for very dead poa
annua -- and the public stayed away in droves. This year the tournament
went to West Des Moines and sold out. West Des Moines! Hey, sometimes
you've got to go upmarket. 

Your two biggest sports stars are Vin Scully, 71, the Dodgers'
announcer, and Chick Hearn, slightly older than carbon, the voice of the
Lakers. How they stomach watching their teams, I'll never know. I'm just
waiting for the day cashmere-smooth Scully says, "Mondesi rifles one to
the wrong base and ... oh, for the love of.... That's it! I &#@% quit! I
don't have to sit here and watch this -- " (click). 

Near as I can figure, the best things athletes do now in the Lesser Los
Angeles area is illegally obtain handicapped-parking permits. 

Things got worse for you last week. Looks as if you blew your shot at an
NFL team -- again. Second-biggest market in the country. Media hotbed.
Can't spill a plate of tomatillo-braised, hand-rubbed poblano meat loaf
without hitting a billionaire's lap. And you still can't get a team? 

You wanted the Coliseum. Had to save the Coliseum. Uh, L.A.? Hello?
People won't go to the Coliseum. Let it die, already. The Romans had a
nice one, too, and they got over it. 

But everything's cool, right? To you, the NFL is just another spec
script. Green-light it or pass, no big deal. Another one will come
along. If it's on, fine; if not, there's always the nightly high-speed
police chase. 

The people I feel sorry for are the folks putting out the sports
sections. The other day the Los Angeles Times had two soccer stories on
the first sports page: Mexico over Brazil and the big L.A. Galaxy
exhibition victory over Chivas of Guadalajara. 

Not that you want champions, anyway. You've got enough riots as it is,
right? Come to think of it, you don't really want teams. All you want is
something to get your mind off the worst parts of living in L.A. -- the
crime, the smog and Carrot Top. And your teams give you all the
distraction you need. This is no joke: The other night at Edison Field,
Scoop, one of the Angels' inexplicable bear mascots, was handing out
free Sharon Stone videos. Nice souvenir for the kiddies. Daddy, is that
really her uniform? 

Beat L.A.? Doesn't everybody? 

Issue date: August 16, 1999 
Copyright © 1999 CNN/SI. A Time Warner Company. 
All Rights Reserved.