Walker the Next MJ??

[Mark Piotrowski <pio@nwu.edu>]

Here's a piece (from www.onhoops.com - always a fun, opinionated site) I thought everyone'd get  a kick out of.

Among other things, this guy predicts:  The C's making the playoffs, Antoine winning the scoring title (thus the title of this email - I'm not that crazy), and the C's signing BENOIT BENJAMIN ?!?!

read on. . . 

The 1998/99 Season
what might happen...


September 15, 1998, Thomas Søfting.

As Beavis and Butt-Head would put it: "This lockout really sucks!" (CN :
Or as Eric Cartman would say..."This is really starting to piss me
off!!"). Fortunately it has to end someday, right? So yesterday I decided
to look into my crystal ball again. However that wasn't any fun, so
instead I decided to write an article about the upcoming NBA season (if
there is an upcoming NBA season, that is).

OCTOBER

With the lockout entering its fourth month, several players such as Ruben
Patterson, Carl Thomas and Anthony Goldwire have already left for Europe.
Oliver Miller decides to try out for the Arizona Cardinals as a defensive
end. Chris Webber goes to Hollywood and lands a part in the new Cheech &
Chong movie. Fed up with their soft centers, Karl Malone wants the Jazz
to sign his wrestling partner Diamond Dallas Page when the lockout ends.
Shawn Kemp pleads for the sides to go back to the negotiation table. "How
am I supposed to provide for my seven (or was it eight) kids?" he says.
In a response, Vernon Maxwell says "Why pay?". Don Nelson is in Europe
scouting a 7-4 Lithuanian center who averages 6.4 pts and 4.7 rebs in the
Lithuanian league. "I think this guy has legitimate NBA skills" Nelson
says.

NOVEMBER

Oliver Miller gets cut by the Cardinals for exceeding his 320 pound
weight limit. Charles Barkley and Charles Oakley enter the wrestling ring
in a brutal steel cage match. The winner gets to face Dennis Rodman for
the WCW's newly introduced Basketball title. Shaq is working harder than
ever in the off-season, with a new movie, a new album, two new TV
commercials and an appearance on the Tonight Show. Yinka Dare also works
harder than ever, and is rewarded for his efforts when he is named
Greaseball Burgers employee of the month. The owners and players finally
meet to work out a new labor deal. Teams are now allowed to select a
"franchise player" like in the NFL. The Sonics select Gary Payton as
their franchise player. The Pistons pick Grant Hill, the Grizzlies pick
Abdur-Rahim, while the Mavericks choose Shawn Bradley. "I think this will
be Shawn's breakthrough season", Don Nelson says.

DECEMBER

The lockout finally ends!! The schedule is reduced to 55 games. Despite
rumors of his return, Jordan announces his retirement. It's a complete
free agent frenzy during the two-week signing period. Stoudamire,
Barkley, Gugliotta, Jayson Williams and McDyess all re-sign with their
respective teams for enormous amounts of money. Pippen, as expected signs
for Phoenix. So does Ike Austin. The Hawks re-sign Alan Henderson, which
causes Laettner to move to Detroit. Stackhouse is signed by the Bulls as
Jordan's replacement. The Sixers re-sign Theo Ratliff. Joe Smith's market
value has plummeted, and he signs a one-year deal with Miami. And yes,
Joe Kleine is still in the league, signing with Denver for the minimum.
Chris Webber refuses to play for the Kings and is placed on the Suspended
List. Derrick Coleman says he won't play for less than $10 million a
year, and is unsigned when the season starts. Meanwhile, Sprewell gets
the ultimate punishment. He is traded to Toronto for Doug Christie and a
first-rounder. Oliver Miller, still unsigned, moves to Japan to start a
career in sumo wrestling. He is joined by Dallas Cowboys guard Nate
Newton.

JANUARY

The early pace-setters are the Vancouver Grizzlies of all teams. Led by
their new backcourt of Mike Bibby and Felipe Lopez, plus the usual 21 pts
from Abdur-Rahim, the Bears start the season 6-1. Chris Webber finally
suits up for an NBA game when he is traded to the Hornets for Anthony
Mason. Unfortunately for the Kings, Mason refuses to play for them as
well, and ends up on the Suspended List. In Boston, Antoine Walker
averages 35 pts per game. However, this is not surprising since he takes
close to 40 shots per game. In LA, Shaq is going through a hot streak.
He's now hitting nearly 60% of his free throws. A change of scenery has
done miracles for Danny Ferry. He is finally living up to his potential,
averaging 19 pts and 8 rebs for the Yakima Sun Kings. Fearing he won't
re-sign, the T-Wolves trade Marbury to Cleveland for Wesley Person and
Brevin Knight. Derrick Coleman says he'll play for $7 million.

FEBRUARY

Despite having retired months ago, Michael Jordan is voted to the
All-Star team. He scores 36 points and is named MVP. Butch Carter resigns
as head coach of Toronto and is replaced by Mike Ditka. Sprewell
immediately demands a trade as he finds Ditka's yelling intimidating. In
Dallas, AC Green tears his achilles tendon and is out for the season.
However, to preserve his streak, Don Nelson will give him a 5-second
cameo in each game for the rest of the season. In Orlando, Penny Hardaway
sprains his ankle and is done for the season. After intense lobbying by
Karl Malone, the Jazz sign Diamond Dallas Page, but he is released two
days later when he attacks Malone with a chair. Page and Malone will now
[Iface each other in the WCW's "Brawl at the Beach" in May. In Boston,
Antoine Walker scores 60 points in a game, taking all but seven of
Boston's shots. The trade deadline is more quiet than ever. The biggest
trade involves Jim McIlvaine and Eric Montross who are both traded for a
slice of pizza. Derrick Coleman says he'll play for $5 million.

MARCH

After somehow staying healthy all season, Pervis Ellison finally gets
injured. This proves to be Benoit Benjamin's ticket back into the league
as he's signed to a 10-day contract by the Celtics. In Oakland, Todd
Fuller scores 10 points in consecutive games, and emerges as the favorite
for this year's MIP. However, he faces stiff competition from Joe Kleine
who has doubled his average to 4 pts and 3 rebs. In Toronto, Mike Ditka
attacks Sprewell during practice, but nobody seems to care. The Rockets
realize they made a terrible mistake when they traded Kevin Willis, when
Barkley goes down with a season-ending injury, and Roy Rogers is pushed
into the starting lineup. Antoine Walker is closing in on Wilt
Chamberlain's record for most shots attempted in a season. Oliver Miller,
now 355 pounds, returns from Japan and is signed by the Philadelphia
Phillies to be their new mascot. Derrick Coleman says he'll play for $3
million.

APRIL

The season finally comes to an end. In the West, this year's cinderella
team, the Grizzlies make the playoffs at the expense of Houston. In the
East, the Pistons and Celtics make the playoffs at the expense of Chris
Webber's Hornets and the Bulls who finish the season a miserable 21-34.
Tim Duncan is the league MVP, Antawn Jamison rookie-of-the-year and Gary
Payton is defensive player of the year. Antoine Walker is the leading
scorer with 32.4 ppg...on 38% shooting. He also leads the league in shots
taken and turnovers. JR Rider who has been on his best behavior all
season, is rewarded with the citizenship award. However, he is stripped
of the award the next day after being caught in possession of weed,
gambling in public, resisting arrest and a bunch of other charges while
celebrating his award. Instead, the award is handed to Dennis Rodman.
Derrick Coleman says he'll play for $1 million. In the first round of the
playoffs, the Knicks, Pacers, Cavs, Heat, Jazz, Sonics, Spurs and Lakers
advance. The Hawks who finished with the second-best record in the East
are knocked out by the 7th-seeded Cavs. Marbury, who averaged 19 pts and
7.5 assists in the series demands at least $120 million to re-sign with
the Cavs.

MAY

In the second round of the playoffs, the 3rd-seeded Heat beat the Cavs.
Kemp, who averaged 24 pts in the series demands a raise. Meanwhile, the
4th-seeded Knicks upset the top-seeded Pacers. Spike Lee is delighted, as
he's finally able to give Reggie Miller "the choke". In the West the
top-seeded Sonics advance past the 4th-seeded Jazz in 7, when Karl Malone
is forced to miss Game 7 because of his wrestling commitments. In the
other series, poor free throw shooting by Shaq allow the 3rd-seeded Spurs
to upset the 2nd-seeded Lakers. But Shaq still has his Reeboks and Pepsi,
so he's happy. In the Conference Finals, the Sonics sweep the Spurs,
leading GM Popovich to consider firing coach Popovich so as to hire a
real coach. In the end, however, he decides he is the right man for the
job. In the East, it's the Knicks and Heat again. After the usual bunch
of brawls and bench-clearing incidents, the Knicks take the series 4-2.

JUNE

And so it's New York and Seattle in the Finals. Patrick Ewing promises a
title, and true to his word, the Knicks win Game 1 in Seattle where Ewing
scores 26 pts and grabs 12 rebounds. The Sonics bounce straight back and
take Game 2 led by Vin Baker's 23 pts and 14 rebs. The Knicks win Game 3
with Ewing, Houston, LJ and Starks all scoring in double figures. Seattle
win Game 4 thanks to 21 pts, 10 assists and 4 steals by Gary Payton. In
Game 5, Allan Houston hits the game-winner at the buzzer. Game 6 also
goes down to the wire, where Sonics reserve guard James Cotton is the
unlikely hero, hitting the game-winning 3-pointer with two seconds left
on the clock. In the decisive Game 7, the Knicks have a one-point lead
and possession with five seconds remaining. But Payton steals the ball
from John Starks, and passes it quickly to Hersey Hawkins who makes the
easy layup. Allan Houston misses a desperation 3-pointer, and so the
Sonics are world champions. Payton is voted Finals MVP. In the NBA Draft
a few days later, Don Nelson surprises nobody when he picks Stanford's
Tim Young with the #1 overall pick. In the second round he picks the 7-4
Lithuanian.

- Thomas Søfting



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Mark Piotrowski
Registrar,
Northwestern University Prosthetic-Orthotic Center
345 E. Superior St.
Room. 1712
Chicago, IL 60611

(312) 908-8006
pio@nwu.edu
www.repoc.nwu.edu/nupoc/nupoc.html
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