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Dan Le Batard: Call Me When The Lockout Is Over
Published Friday, October 16, 1998, in the Miami
Herald
DAN LE BATARD
----------------------------------------------------
Call me when the lockout is over
If the NBA is looking for some public sympathy,
don't look here
``Hello? Is this lost and found?''
``Yes, it is. How may I help you?''
``Well, I'm calling to see if anyone has turned in
something that seems to be missing.''
``We get an awful lot of that here, sir. You want
to be a little more specific?''
``It's called public sympathy.''
``Huh?''
``Specifically, I'm looking to see if anyone has
turned in any public sympathy for the NBA. I can't
seem to find any of it anywhere.''
``Will you hold please?''
``Sure.''
``No, I mean, will you hold forever.''
``What?''
``I'm sorry, but you aren't going to find any
public sympathy for the NBA. Not here. Not
anywhere. Not ever.''
``I don't understand. You said this was lost and
found.''
``Sir, the only thing the NBA has lost here is its
mind. You know what Patrick Ewing actually had the
audacity to say the other day? He said, `We feel
that with a hard [salary] cap, we as players cannot
survive.' This is coming from a man making
$18 million a year. Can't survive. I expect Ewing
to be calling in here any day now, saying, `I
clearly have no shame. Has anyone turned it in?'
Ewing called in last year, asking if anyone had
turned in his first championship ring, but we had
to remind him that he couldn't have lost one of
those because he has never owned one of those.''
``You're being a little harsh.''
``Hell, no, I'm not. I don't care if the whole damn
season gets killed. I need 82 games to figure out
that the Bulls are going to beat Washington in the
first round? The regular season was meaningless
long before this lockout mess came along. Look, the
whole system is screwed up. Donald Sterling, owner
of the awful Clippers, lives in a Sunset Strip
mansion once owned by Cary Grant. Portland's Paul
Allen (Microsoft), Miami's Micky Arison (Carnival
Cruises) and Orlando's Rich DeVos (Amway) are all
billionaires. I'm supposed to feel sorry for them,
after they're the ones who agreed to these
$100 million contracts? Or the corporations, like
Comcast and Cablevision and Turner, that own teams?
Please. Let them kill their stupid sport for all I
care. I'll watch hockey's meaningless regular
season instead.''
``Come on. David Stern is trying . . . ''
``Trying? Alan Ogg tried and that wasn't good
enough, either. Stern earns $8 million a year, more
than any member of the Heat except Alonzo Mourning
and Arison. Players won't lose their first paycheck
until Nov. 15, and Stern's teams won't lose any of
their precious $2.64 billion in TV revenue until
Christmas Day, and Stern won't ever lose a penny
of his salary, so you realize we aren't going to
start getting our games back until well after
Christmas, right? Until somebody starts feeling the
sting of lost earnings? Well, at least there is
something positive in all this.''
``Really? What? You've found something positive
there?''
``Yeah, no more Denver Nuggets for a while.''
``Come on. You can't tell me you aren't going to
miss watching the players.''
``Oh, yes, I can. Chris Webber, who earns
$10 million a year, is coming off his third arrest,
and he says he doesn't want to play for Sacramento
because, get this, there's not enough nightlife.
Stephon Marbury isn't sure he'll accept
$126 million from Minnesota because, no joke, it's
cold there. Keep in mind that, honest to God,
Marbury has a car that has Sega video-game screens
embedded in the dashboard and in the back of both
front seats. I'm supposed to hurt for him, when the
median income in Miami-Dade County last year was
$30,000?''
``How about some understanding? This lockout is
very necessary. Because mediocre Minnesota has
three players who want more than $100 million --
Kevin Garnett, who already got his, plus Marbury
and Tom Gugliotta. You can make an argument for
each making that much if you can make an argument
for Juwan Howard making it, but where's the
financial sanity in a system that pays like that?
This lockout is a pre-emptive strike. Either lock
out now or explode from within later.''
``I don't care, though. I'm like all other NBA
fans, none of whom is exactly driving around in
cars with bumper stickers that read, `Free Pippen.'
Call me when this lockout is over, and I'll pay
attention then. But why should I care now, when the
players themselves don't even seem to care? Heck,
union head Billy Hunter asked players to show up at
gyms on the first day of practice, to show the
public that they were symbolically being kept from
playing, and he could only get groups together in
four cities. How laughable is that? Not as
laughable as this: The group representing the
champion Bulls consisted of exactly Bill Wennington
and Steve Kerr.''
``But something has to be done. Sixty percent of
the league earned less than a million dollars last
year, including 20 who played for the league
minimum -- $275,000. We have to find a system that
eliminates the extremes and creates a middle class
before we lose our fans, just like baseball did.''
``Oh, you are very wrong there, sir. I hear that a
lot. They're going to lose their fans, boo hoo. No,
they aren't. Sports fans are suckers. They'll
always come back, no matter what you do to them.
Basketball will call me when they lose their fans.
And, trust me, I'll always be able to find them.''
Copyright © 1998 The Miami Herald