Please Help The Suffering NBA Players

[Way Of The Ray <wayray@ix.netcom.com>]

   Published on November 26, 1998                        
                                                           
   NEIL HAYES                                               

   Impoverished NBA players suffering, need your help

   A PUBLIC-SERVICE EDITION of news and notes on a Thursday, because I'm
   Sally Struthers, and Thanksgiving is a time to reach out to those in
   need.

   That's why I'm enlisting your aid in ending the modern tragedy that
   is the NBA lockout by sponsoring a greedy, er, needy NBA player for
   only $800 a day.

   It might seem like a lot of money, but it barely covers one monthly
   payment on a fully loaded Land Rover, not including a 58-speaker
   stereo system, chrome wheels and vanity plates. It's less than half
   of the average child-support payment.

   You might think there are people who are in even more dire need of
   your help, like homeless veterans and Newt Gingrich, but poverty is
   relative. Remember what Kenny Anderson said: The more money you have,
   the more money you spend.

   Here's your chance to play a positive role in one of the great labor
   struggles of our time. Much damage has already been done. The
   emotional stress of this owner-imposed lockout has already resulted
   in Dennis Rodman entering into an unwanted marriage and Brian
   Williams changing his name to Bison Dele.

   If this lockout drags on, players could wear holes in their shoe
   contracts. Latrell Sprewell might not be able to pay his crack legal
   team, and Anderson could be forced to sell his car -- which would
   leave him with only seven.

   It's not just the players who are being deprived. Commissioner David
   Stern can't even afford a razor.

   Your contribution can help sustain an NBA player and his loved ones
   during this harrowing time. How will you know you're helping? You
   will receive a picture of the player you sponsor. Autographed photos
   cost an additional $250.

   How will the player know you're helping? Just write your home phone
   number on the back of your check or money order and you will receive
   a collect call from the needy player's agent and/or personal
   accountant expressing his gratitude.

   Remember, only you can make a difference this holiday season.
       <snips>
   
      * Is anybody reading the lengthy newspaper stories updating NBA
        labor negotiations? Just tell us when the lockout is over,
        please.
      * Then again, the second paragraph of an Associated Press report
        published Wednesday provided comic relief without even trying:
        "Making matters worse, the bargaining progress hit a major snag
        when the sides found themselves in disagreement over exactly
        what they agreed to last week."
      * Shouldn't someone be taking notes?
      
     
      * Stanford is ranked No. 3, Cal also could finish in the top 20,
        and with the late-season intrigue surrounding injured 7-foot-3
        center Brad Millard possibly rejoining St. Mary's, the Warriors
        have never been more irrelevant.
    
      * Gruden (35) on the age difference between backup quarterback
        Wade Wilson (39) and himself: "I remember Wade when I was
        learning to eat and he was playing on Thanksgiving."
      * The real reason behind Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra's
        breakup: He didn't mind sharing his life, but he refused to
        share his nail polish.
 
      * If nothing else, scrape whatever scraps remain from your holiday
        feasts into manila envelopes and mail the gravy-stained care
        packages to impoverished NBA players near you. Only you can end
        the suffering.


                    Edition: SRVT,  Section: D,  Page: 3

                         © 1998 Contra Costa Times