Advice for T in the Park

[Brian Cady]

>From The Scotsman:
http://living.scotsman.com/music.cfm?id=951322006

Cross all the Ts
CRAIG MCLEAN
 
ONCE you have got over the initial, almost
insurmountable, hurdle - getting your hands on a
ticket - there are many dilemmas facing the dedicated
T in the Park punter. For example: if you bag a prime
spot for The Who's headline gig on the Main Stage too
early, do you risk getting trapped in a Sandi Thom
set? Is it possible that The Strokes could be as drunk
as they were two years ago. Will Red Hot Chili Peppers
get their tadgers oot? Who'll be the feelgood band of
the weekend, champion cheesers The Feeling or chirpy
cheerleaders The Zutons? Will there be a Weegie-indie
showdown between Franz Ferdinand and gobby slag-off
merchants The Fratellis? Is the Rushmore appearing on
the Futures stage a screening of the Bill Murray film,
or a new band who might be the next Arctic Monkeys?
Are Last Tram Tae Auchenshuggle - appearing in the
Ceilidh Tent - possessed of the best name in the
world... ever? 

Is Sunday night the best time to shuttle back and
forth between the Slam and King Tut's tents, sampling
the party-tastic delights of 2 Many DJs, Felix Da
Housecat, The Go! Team and Primal Scream? Is 'never'
the best time to sample the on-site fairground? 

With so much going on at Balado, some serious thought
must go into festival logistics in order to maximise
your fun, fun, fun weekend. Mental, emotional and
sartorial preparation is key here. Pack a kagoul, some
suncream and a strong constitution. 

It might rain. It might snow. There might be a massive
exodus to watch the World Cup final surrounded by home
comforts. Anyway, forget the elements and the
football, here's the best music to see (precise stage
times were unavailable at the time of printing)... 

Hit the ground running - well, fiddling - on Saturday
with Mercury-nominated Dartmoor folkie Seth Lakeman
(Pet Sounds Arena): modern, imaginative British roots
music, and he's a handsome devil to boot. After that,
hit the King Tut's tent for the raved-about
Guillemots. They're a little self-consciously wacky,
but when singer Fyfe Dangerfield remembers that he's a
singer and not a circus ringmaster, he's a sublime
balladeer. Then pelt it over to the Radio 1/ NME stage
for the mighty Wolfmother, a titanic Aussie rock band
toting heavy metal riffs that will spill your pint. 

Nip away for Union Of Knives (T Break Stage), the
beat'n'riffs outfit co-founded by Chris Gordon, of the
late and under-appreciated Glasgow band Baby Chaos.
Dash back for indie noiseniks The Cribs and
aforementioned The Feeling (Radio 1/NME Stage), and
try and catch a bit of the pop-pogo thrill of Maximo
Park on the Main Stage. Arcade Fire fans should then
sprint to the Pet Sounds Arena for the magical
Americana of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. 

Before the evening kicks in, take a breather at the
Bacardi B-Live Bar: cocktails and happenin' DJs.
Alternatively, enjoy a bit of semi-quiet at the Silent
Disco - the tunes are piped to the individual
headphones worn by each clubber. Blissful to partake,
eye-boggling to watch. It's like art happening, yeah? 

Over on the Main Stage are two giant British
indie-rock bands: Kaiser Chiefs and Franz Ferdinand.
You know what to expect, and it'll be monster. If
that, or the lunkhead rock of headliners Red Hot Chili
Peppers, doesn't do it for you, park up at the Radio
1/NME Stage. More varied delights abound, from The
Zutons to the cool R&B grooves of Pharrell Williams
and the teutonic, shiny disco swagger of Goldfrapp.
Round off day one with the old gold of Paul Weller, or
head over for similar from The Charlatans, in the King
Tut's Tent. And so to bed... 

Last Tram Tae Auchenshuggle will (surely) get Sunday
off to a cobweb-free start, and F*** Off Machete (T
Break Stage) sound similarly intriguing - well, scary.
Mouthy London bird Lily Allen is a must (Futures
Stage) for her sunny pop-calypso, while the aching
country-rock of Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis (King Tut's)
and Swedish troubadour Jose Gonzalez (Pet Sounds
Arena) will bring much-needed teatime bliss.
Happy-happy-joy-joy sounds galore from The Proclaimers
and The Magic Numbers (Main Stage) will also round off
the afternoon perfectly. 

Pause for breath at the Nintendo Comedy Café, watch
mentalists doing tricks on skateboards at the Red Bull
ramp, or get a makeover - or at least a bit of a wash
- at the Superdrug backstage area. 

Then head into the last lap. Paisley singer-songwriter
Paolo Nutini (T Break) and the Libertines-go-1960s bop
of The Fratellis (Futures Stage) fly the flag. But
nationalism be damned (no matter what's happening in
the World Cup): the Main Stage features the smalltown
anthems of Hard-Fi, the unbeatable Arctic Monkeys, the
garage-rocking Strokes and finally the mighty Who.
Expect sky-shaking guitar from Pete Townsend,
throat-shredding vocals from Roger Daltrey and a
greatest-hits set of some of the best songs of the
20th century. What's not to like? It's sure to be a
set as legendary as famed T in the Park appearances
from Radiohead, Pulp and The Prodigy. 

Finally, here are some do's and some don'ts, culled
from my experiences of attending every T in the Park
over the last 12 years, bar one (I had a wardrobe
malfunction - a threadbare Pac-A-Mac - during one of
the rainy years, and bottled it at the last minute). 

• Do make sure your mobile phone is fully charged and
credited - you will need it constantly, to find people
who disappeared off to the bog/bar/henna tattoo
stall/hemp seeds emporium and didn't return. 

• Don't start drinking your carry-out in the queue to
get in. 

• Do go up to Edith Bowman and ask her how a
common-or-garden Fifer got a job on Radio One
(honestly, she'll love that). 

• Don't think you can belatedly hoof it over from the
Main Stage to the Slam Tent on Saturday evening, when
the Slam boys themselves are DJing, and still hope to
squeeze down the front for the Glasgow club legends'
set. 

• Do eat some Japanese tempura - this is, by law, the
mandatory festival food. 

• Don't miss The Proclaimers. 

• Do miss your mum - it can be gruelling out there.
The thought of your cosy home - and the folks watching
BBC2 - might just get you through a punishing Placebo
set, a long toilet queue or the inevitable half-hour
where you lose all your mates and end up talking to a
copper, or a half-naked ginger bawheid from Milngavie.


• And whatever you do, enjoy the festival. 

• For further information about T in the Park, log on
to www.tinthepark.com

Spotter's guide to clans who to avoid - with our
rundown on a few of the festival tribes set to arrive
in Balado this weekend 

FESTIVAL VETERANS 
Who are they? 

This tribe ranges from crumblies who saw The Who play
the Isle of Wight Festival in 1970 to Rave Dads who
have fond memories of the second Summer of Love, in
1989. The trouble is that Rave Dads cause panic when
venturing into the dance tent, because these days they
look just like undercover drugs officers. 

What do they wear? 

Disintegrating Hawkwind tour T-shirts or those
heat-sensitive tops that vividly demonstrate which
body parts are sweating the most. 

Which bands do they like? 

It's all good, even a couple of the bands born after
Star Wars came out are all right, but they will
definitely be at the front for The Who. Expect
bittersweet tears when 'My Generation' is played. Rave
Dad will be foaming at the mouth for The Orb. 

Food and drink 

Real ale preferred, lager tolerated. Food optional,
due to worrying middle-age spread. 

Where are they sleeping? 

"There's a great little B&B in Kinross - does a
fantastic full cooked in the morning." 

Most likely to say 

"I think that little toerag has sold me Oxo cubes." 

Least likely to say 

"I quite fancy a spot of face-painting." 


-Brian in Atlanta
The Who This Month!
http://www.thewhothismonth.com

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