Townshend, Bishop Of Shepherd's Bush

[Brian Cady <brianinatlanta2001@xxxxxxxxx>]

This is from The Times of London at: 
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-745547,00.html
(requires registration)

True Fiction
If CDs continue to be pirated, recording artists will
be forced to seek new employment. Our correspondent
looks ahead

FOLLOWING the Great Schism, Sir Elton John is
consecrated Bishop of Reading by his namesake and
lookalike Dr Jeffrey, now Archbishop of Canterbury
South-West in the breakaway Anglican Church of the
All-Inclusive. The new Bishop leads the congregation
in three verses of Locket Man (No 246 from Hymns
Totally Modern), says Grace (and Will), and preaches a
sermon based on John Keble (Furnish: all we ought to
ask). 

A fall in fortunes for Robbie Williams. Unplaced in a
Frank Sinatra tribute contest, he takes up an offer
from a holiday camp chain. Last seen as a tiger in the
childrens Funworld at Southsea. 

Justin Timberlake cashes in on his name to become a
lumberjack, and hes OK. Britney Spears accepts an
offer from her admirer Alastair Campbell to work at No
10. Coming from the innocent world of pop music
promotion, she is shocked at the stories she has to
release, and announces a second retirement. Britney is
last seen working on an organic allotment with her
sister Asparagus. However, a more successful reverse
into politics is made by Radiohead, who take over as
Her Majestys Opposition. At Question Time, Thom
Yorkes strong performances lead to the replacement of
Blair by Blur. 

Eminems venture into non-melting confectionery treats
is wrecked by a massive lawsuit. He is accused of
homophobia and homophonia. Mick Jagger sees the light
at the bottom line and is consecrated Bishop of Slough
by Keith Richard, now Archbishop of Canterbury
North-East in the breakaway Anglican Church of the
All-Forbidden. The new Bishop leads the congregation
in Lets Spend the Night in Prayer, Gloomy Tuesday and
No Satisfaction (In This World) (Nos 5, 178 and 239
from Hymns Repentant and Mournful). Russell Watson
becomes a pub singer. Last seen in the Hypers Arms,
Solihull, trying to borrow a tenor. 

Kylie Minogue rejoins the cast of Neighbours as an
amnesiac with no memory of the past 20 years. She is
pronounced normal when she fails to recognise Jason
Donovan. Rod Stewart continues to fulfil his role of
selling Hello! magazine, as a newsagent. Elvis Presley
(who is indeed still alive) sets up a fast food
restaurant, but the business fails, despite the
patronage of Bill Clinton, because he eats the stock.
Last seen as the check-out clerk in a supermarket,
working alongside Marilyn Monroe and Shergar. Michael
Jackson becomes seriously poor and is forced to live
in his original face. 

Antonio Vivaldi (who is also still alive) loses his
double income from Classic and Easy Listening CD
sales. He sells the rights to Four Seasons to a pizza
chain. His example is copied by Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Pete Townshend is consecrated Bishop of Shepherds
Bush in the cathedral of St Tommy The Doubtful by Sir
Cliff Richard, Archbishop of Canterbury
North-by-North-West in the breakaway Anglican Church
of Congregations and Celebrations. They lead
worshippers in The Seeker and Pictures Of Lily (Nos 23
and 87 from Hymns Ambiguous and Post-Modern). 

Morrissey attempts to become a busker in the London
Underground, but his version of Streets of London is
rejected for being too cheerful. Last seen working in
a branch of W H Smith. 

Charlotte Churchs achingly pure voice still has a
worldwide following, when she becomes an announcer of
cancelled flights at Heathrow. 

For one artist, the collapse of the market provides a
massive boost. Freed from the need to sell CDs, Kink
Ray Davies is able to concentrate on being Englands
greatest living songwriter. He is named Poet Laureate.
That should have happened years ago. 

Another artist is completely unaffected. Barry Manilow
sells just as many CDs as before  his fans have never
heard of downloading. 

RICHARD HELLER


=====
-Brian in Atlanta
The Who This Month!
http://www.thewhothismonth.com
http://www.thewho.net/News

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