Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Chinese Eyes

Because I lead a dull life and am forced to come up with ploys to amuse
myself, I have done a "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" style treatment of
the "All the Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes". And since, let's face it,
things have been dull around here lately, I've decided to post it in
short installments. :) For those of you not familiar with MST3K, it's
about a man and two robots who are forced to watch cheesy movies. They
must mock the films or risk being driven mad. I, of course, mock films
because I am already mad, but that's another story.
Instead of Servo, Crow, and Joel, my mockers are me and my oft-mentioned
friends Beth and Krumpet. I wrote the whole thing, I just thought it'd
be more fun if I had more than one character saying stuff. :)

TODAY'S INSTALLMENT: "Prelude" and "Face Dances" scenes

"PRELUDE" scene

<Pete walking around grassy area with willow trees, wearing his
bathrobe>
LEDBETTER: This must be one of those arty foreign films.
KRUMPET (narrating as Pete): I dreamt I walked among the trees outside
my grandfather's plantation manor...
BETH: If Miss Scarlet comes out, I'm leaving.
L: This is England, you twits.
K: I know, I know. Hey, you think one of those trees is Willow Daltrey?
B: That was bad.

<Pete looks around>
L: Damn that paperboy! Why can't he throw it up on the PORCH?

<river is visible>
B (singing): The sea refuses no river...
L: Right album, wrong song.
K: At least she was close!

"FACE DANCES" scene

<extreme close up of Pete's eyes>
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

<cut to exreme closeup of Pete's reclining head, shot in such a way so
as we can see clear up his nose>
B: That's just disgusting. Like we need to see his nasal hair.
L: Where do they have the camera, on his CHEST?
K: I'm frightened.

<cut back to eyes>
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

<nose again>
B: It just gets bigger every time!

<Pete gets out of bed, where he has been sleeping all by himself>
K (singing Pearl Jam): Wide awake and he shakes in a panic, never woke
up alone ever before...
L: Wrong band, honey.

<shot of Pete with guitar and incredibly bad 80's haircut>
L: Oh, good, maybe we'll get to hear "Hungry Like The Wolf"!
K: Is this Duran Duran? I thought he was that guy from A Flock Of
Seagulls.

<we see the first of the singing robots>
B: No wonder he's sleeping alone! The man lives with a bunch of robots!
K: Oh, kinky.

<Pete begins to brush teeth>
K: This is where we learn good dental hygene.
L (commercial): Nine out of ten rock musicians reccomend...CREST!

<shot of robot with the big red lips>
L: I didn't know Mick Jagger was in this film.

<back to Pete with guitar>
K: Where are the fashion police when you need them?
L: Hair this bad should be a CRIME!

<Pete shaves>
L (commercial): For a smooth finish every time, use GILLETE!
B: Enough with the product placements.

<now for the after shave>
L: Wasn't this scene in "Home Alone"?
K: Yeah, he's gunna scream now.
B: If this goes on much longer, I think I'LL scream.

<robot in the medicine cabinet>
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
L: Okay, we ALL screamed.
K: I would definatly not go to this guy's house.

<more robots>
B: That one looked kinda like Elvis.
K: This just gets sicker and sicker.

<the morphing black guy robot>
L: It's Muhammed Ali!
K: Hey, it IS!
L: And now he's Mike Tyson!
B: It's just like watching the sports channel.

<Pete pulls shirt on, fixes his hair with his fingers>
L: This is all just too sexy for me.
K: You're twisted, you know that?
L: Shut up!
B: Ugh, polo shirts.
K: I can't believe he actually TRIES to make his hair look that
horrible.

That's all for now...thank goodness, right?

                                              -Yellow Ledbetter
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