A few years back, a friend told me about this company to invest in that made healthy cheese. A can't miss, he told me. They are about to get a contract with, as they say in the business, a major fast food chain. The wave of the future. Wisconsin'll love ya, baby.
This was before I became the investing wiz I am now, so I went out and bought a bunch of shares. I was going to make a Chalupa full of cash by making a Run for the Border. Back then, they used to call me the ValuJet of the stock market, because whatever I touched immediately plummeted. And that's what this stock did. This stock was more cheesy than I had ever imagined. I would complain, but who would listen? The cheese company? My former friend? My accountant? TFB, I'd be told. Too Freaking Bad. And that's why I have no sympathy for Boston Celtics coach Rick Pitino. He left Kentucky and joined the Celtics because he thought he was getting Tim Duncan. He thought he had the perfect plan in place to come in and be a savior -- once again. He thought he was, well, he thought he was investing in a cheese company that was getting a contract with Taco Hell. And then the San Antonio Spurs stepped in and got the first pick in the draft, and took Duncan, if you can believe it. Little Ricky still can't. And you know what I say? TFB. Now, it seems, Little Ricky is trying to get out of it. There is a rumor making the rounds of NBA folks that Little Ricky is angling for the job at UCLA, a job that is built for success, a job that would get Little Ricky back the polish on an image that is becoming badly tarnished. (And while we're circulating rumors, there's another that we might as well throw out, you know, so just in case it comes true I look good. Mark my words, Cincinnati Bearcats coach Bob Huggins will be in the NBA next season. And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.) UCLA, you see, is struggling this season. It is in danger of missing the NCAA tournament for the first time since the school was named UCG -- University of Californnia Gondwonoland. And for anybody who ever has been at a school that is going through a difficult time after a long, long, long, long, long history of success -- can you say Notre Dame football? -- it goes without saying that there is grumbling within the university walls about head coach Steve Lavin. Personally, I think people should be grumbling about that cheesy hairdo of his. I think he's been using the fromage from the company I invested in for hair gel. Not that Little Ricky would bring a much better hairdo, considering he is hiding that bald spot about as well as Dick Versace used to. But he certainly would like to try. Tell me that his verbal attack the other day on Celtics fans for placing lofty expectations on the team was not calculated. He's basically trying to make it virtually impossible for the Celtics to keep him. The problem here is that Little Ricky is a victim of his own greed. By signing that huge contract, of which there is a little less than $30 million still left to pay over seven years, Little Ricky has made it very difficult to leave. Not that he hasn't tried. He and owner Paul Gaston can't stand each other, so much so that, according to a source, they tried to negotiate a buyout after last season. However, the source said, the sides were so far apart in terms of money that they couldn't come to an agreement. You can see both sides. Little Ricky doesn't want to walk away from all that cabbage without getting some sort of healthy severance package, enough so that even if he takes a paycut at UCLA he won't suffer too badly. (And let me be the first to tell you, after my cheese company experience, walking away from money is a painful experience.) And Gaston does not want to do this pompous man any favors. He knows that Little Ricky is stewing in his own bile, knowing that his reputation as a basketball messiah is disappearing with every stupid shimmy dance by Antoine Walker, who for some reason thinks that making the All-Star game once in your career is akin to being Bill Russell. Gaston probably figures he is in a no-lose situation. Well, that term probably shouldn't be uttered around FleetCenter, because all they have done is lose in recent years. But Gaston must be thinking that if Little Ricky actually does turn this abomination around -- which is akin to trying to bail out the Titanic with a thimble -- then, hey, he's got a winner on his hands, and he looks good for hiring Little Ricky. And if it doesn't get turned around, you know Little Ricky eventually is going to cave like that family in "Land of the Lost." He'll take less money just to get out, because to Little Ricky, image is everything. We should have a better idea after next weekend, because by then we'll know whether Lavin might be Leaving if the Bruins do not make the tournament. If Lavin is in trouble, watch for Little Ricky to do some more outrageous things, hoping to expedite his departure from Beantown. Hmmm, beans. I hear Taco Hell uses those, too.