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WEEK FOUR: SG has a new favorite NFL show! Plus, how to break down a tough Week Four slate (10/1) My favorite part of the NFL season -- besides games, Picks Pools, gambling, roto football, and writing this column -- are the dopey TV shows. These days, all you need to get an TV show is a face, a torso and a sponsor.My favorite NFL show used to be "The Sports Advisors," a syndicated gambling show that featured 1-800 guys Stu Feiner and Kevin Duffy saying things like "Over the past five years, I'm 75-1 on Monday nights" and "It seems like I win every week... and I do!" The best part about that show was that they used to have this guy named Jack Price making his picks from "remote locations" like outside The Astrodome or outside Joe Robbie Stadium, and he'd say things like "I'm here in Houston and nobody knows this Oilers team like me!" Unfortunately for Jack, the background scenery never seemed to move during those "remote shots" -- trees never swayed, cars never moved, there was never any wind, and the Astrodome never seemed to be completely in focus. My old roommate Geoff and I watched this thing every week, even though it was televised at 10:00AM on Saturday mornings. We didn't care. Sometimes you have to pay the price for high comedy. Sadly, they took that show off the air two years ago, probably by order of the Federal Government. So I turned to HBO's "Inside the NFL," which is actually a pretty good show because they use NFL Films sideline clips -- so you can see Randy Moss yelling at Randall Cunningham, "Throw me the goddamned ball!" and 250,000 different NFL players shouting out things like "Yeah baby!" and "All day baby!" or even "That's it baby!" As a special bonus, sometimes they'll even give you locker room footage of coaches addressing players after the game -- if they ever spun that stuff off into its own show, I would watch it religiously. It just doesn't feel like a genuine NFL week until you've seen Dick Vermeil sobbing hysterically or Ray Rhodes mumbling his way through another incoherent speech. The best part of "Inside the NFL" -- which I've mentioned before on this site -- is the way they "pick" NFL games. All four hosts (Lin Dawson, Cris Collinsworth, Jerry Glanville and Nick Buonocotti) pick each game without using the spread... thus, you'll hear exchanges like this: --CRIS: I think the Pats have too many weapons for the Browns... I like the Pats. --NICK: I like the Pats too, Cris. I don't think they'll have any problems with the Browns. --LIN: So we all agree... Jerry and I also like the Patriots to win. For some reason, this has been going on for like 25 years and it still cracks me up. In fact, I never thought I'd ever see a show that provided more unintentional comedy... until last night: --THE STATION: New England Cable News --THE DAY: Thursdays --THE TIME: 11:30pm --THE SHOW: "Giant Glass' Fourth Down" --THE HOSTS: Eddie Andelman and Gino Cappelliti, with special guest Ted Sarandis. Good God... where do we begin? Some of my favorite highlights from my new favorite show: * Every time Eddie, Gino and Ted were on the screen at the same time, I kept thinking of them standing in some meat market bar like Daisy Buchanan's with no women within 50 feet of them. This show makes the "SportsChannel Tailgate" show with Ordway and Smerlas look like a beefcake hour. * Remember the dead guy from "Weekend at Bernie's"? That guy had a more lively camera presence than Gino. There were at least three times when I was convinced that he had dropped dead on camera. I'm serious. He never looked at the camera, not once. Old Gino seemed more scared and ashamed than the guy in the corner at the end of the "Blair Witch Project." * There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendant comedy, there's Dontae Jones high-fiving Henry Louis Gates before a Celtics game, there's Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem before a Nets game... and then there's Ted Sarandis on TV. Honestly, the experience is indescribable. For some reason, somebody told Ted to stare into the camera at all possible moments, even when he's not speaking. I can't do justice to this, so I won't try, other than to say that Ted always seems to have this "Don't be frightened of me... I won't hurt you" gleam in his eye. Again, it's beyond description. (The Sports Gal summed it up best: "What are you watc- Hey, what's wrong with that guy? He looks like an ax-murderer!") * Eddie called Andy Katzenmoyer "Katzenmeyer." That was fun. * Geno's light blue blazer looked like it just had the Loews Somerville Theater tag freshly ripped off it. I think it was from the Pat Burns Collection. * When Ted gave his Pats prediction, the camera stayed on him for a closeup for 48 straight seconds as he just kept talking and talking (does he even breathe?). Forty-eight seconds! It was unprecedented television. * I mean, have you ever SEEN Eddie Andelman on TV? It's just a disorienting experience. Why does he keep trying to make the crossover? Did Eddie see that Doug Brown guy on Channel 38 and say to himself, "If that guy can be on TV, maybe I should give it another shot"? * Ted's quote of the night about the Pats: "If they stay healthy, they have a chance to have an explosive offense." I mean, where else can you get expert analysis like that? * The show was being directed by somebody who was obviously drinking, because there were five or six times where Ted or Gino was speaking and the director inexplicably switched to a wide shot... and Eddie was just staring into the main camera hypnotically, his head turned away from the speaker, looking like Jack Nicholson in every scene from "The Shining." I'm not making this up. Even "Saturday Night Live" in its prime couldn't have come up with this show as a skit. Listen, few things make me laugh out loud anymore, but "Giant Glass' Fourth Quarter made me laugh at least a dozen times last night. No lie. I don't know if they'll ever have Sarandis on as a guest again, but if they do, get the VCR warmed up and ready to go. You won't regret it. Onto the picks... Week Four picks **Home teams in caps** Cardinals (+7) over COWBOYS -- Three of the last four games have been on the road for the 1-2 Cards, who submitted a stinker supreme at home last Monday night. And Jake Plummer's starting to look like the Caucasian Kordell Stewart. In fact, I can't think of a single reason to take them. Not a one. (The Kostanza Theory strikes again!) FALCONS (-2.5) over Ravens -- Years from now, Falcons fans will be bouncing their grandkids on their laps telling them about the time they saw Stoney Case and Tony Graziani battle it out for four glorious quarters. GIANTS (-9.5) over Eagles -- Normally I would be giving you the old "This team should NEVER be favored by this many points over anybody" theory here, but I actually had the misfortune of watching the Eagles play last week against Buffalo -- that game was so bad that Eagles coach Andy Reid was heard to comment, "I haven't taken a beating like that since my stepfather used to come home drunk on Friday nights." (Sorry... I guess you haven't seen Andy Reid yet... he has red hair... you know, the old "Beaten like a redheaded stepchild" joke? ... umm... hello?) VIKINGS (-7) over Bucs -- Trent Dilfer alert! Trent Dilfer alert! (Hey, this smells like Randy Moss' breakout game. What's the record for catches in one game?) BEARS (+1) over Saints -- The Bears are kinda frisky, aren't they? BROWNS (+12) over Patriots -- If the Pete Carroll Era has ever shown us anything, it's this: the Pats love to play down to the level of their opponents. Can't you see the Browns hanging around in this one, just to scare all the Suicide Pool people who pencilled in "NE" this week? (Note to reader: This game scares me in a "last year against the Rams" kinda way. Is there any way we can kidnap Terry Glenn in the locker room so he doesn't get hurt?) Jaguars (-3) over STEELERS -- Fred Taylor's back for the Jags, which means their Playoff Bandwagon starts revving its engine this weekend. Vrrrrrrrrrm! (Hey, there's Kordell Stewart!) Vrrrrrrrrm! (Let's run him over!) Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm! (Get him, he's running away!) CHARGERS (-1.5) over Chiefs -- Some people wrote in last weekend asking if I was disappointed in San Diego because they ruined my perfect money week last Sunday. No, I'm not angry at the Chargers... I'm just a little disappointed in them, that's all. I expected a little bit more from them. And it hurts. I'll admit it. It hurts. (Hey, I don't want to say the Chiefs had running back problems, but they just sent scouts to New England to time Robert Edwards in the 40-yard limp.) REDSKINS (-8) over Panthers -- Young gamblers will be trying to talk themselves into the Panthers this weekend. Getting 8 points? They played the Jags tough, right? They looked good last week, didn't they? (Nope. Not this week. The Redskins are for real. And nobody knows better than Vegas. That's why they made this line so high... they're trying to get you to take the Panthers. Don't do it.) Raiders (+3.5) over SEAHAWKS -- Two good defenses + two shaky quarterbacks = Muchos turnoveros. Any time that's the case, take the points, especially when you can get more than three. As Joaquin Andujar always said, "Youneverknow." By the way, the Raiders finally waived running back Rashaan Salaam, who was the first person ever to enter a drug rehab program for a marijuana problem last year. What are the odds he fumbled the bong and spilled bong water all over the place at least once in his life? And is there a worse smell than spilled bong water? (Um ... not that I'd know or anything ... um ... let's move on...) MONEY PICKS DOLPHINS (-5) over Bills: $200 You need a pass rush to beat the Dolphins... the Bills don't have one. Without a pass rush, Marino sits back there and does Marino things all game. Sound familiar Pats fans? (NOTE: Lesley Visser reports that all safeties will be worth two points in this game.) Titans (+2) over NINERS: $200 Bring me the head of Jeff Garcia! Rams (-3.5) over BENGALS: $200 Three weeks ago, I had never heard of this Kurt Warner guy. Now I'm convinced the Rams are on their way to 13-3 and a first round bye in the playoffs. The NFL... feel the power! (Sad note: If the ugly rumors are true, this might be the last week we can ever make money off a Bruce Coslet team. When that pink slip for Bruce finally comes -- and it's coming -- it will be a tragic day for gamblers all over the world. I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it.) BRONCOS (-5) over Jets: $200 Gut-check time for the Broncos, who should have one or two more bullets in the holster on their way to 6-10. Get ready for Terrell Davis' bust-out roto week. I'd like to order the 32 carries for 149 yards and 3 TD's please. And can I get the Super-Size, please? Thanks. (And if that's not enough, Rick Mirer's on the road in bad weather. I didn't know Santa Claus was an NFL fan. Giddy up!)
LAST WEEK -- 9-5 ****E-mail me at SPTGUY33**** weekly rundown of SG's latest columns (with bonus inside stuff links, & more) - send your e-mail address to: SPTGUYMAIL. Reach this site every day at AOL KEYWORD: SPORTS GUY or www.bostonsportsguy.com
Total Posts: 73 1 thru 10 of 68 posts: Start | Previous 10 | Next 10 From Boston to AZ on Fri, Oct 1, 1999, 13:38:57: I've been removed from Beantown for 5 years now, but I'll never get tired of anyone ragging that fut tub of $#@% Andelman. What a waste of space. Does he still collect $14 of the $15 everytime someone parks at Foxboro Stadium? The only thing to remember about Andelman is during those glorious high school super bowls at Schafer err Sullivan errr Foxboro Stadium, he STILL wanted to charge $10 per car to park at the stadium. For Freaking HIGH SCHOOL games.- I never knew a high school kid that had $10 in his pocket. Andelman, you always were clueless, and apparently, you still are. From Dan on Fri, Oct 1, 1999, 13:33:19: SG wants my picks. Here they are: Boys take the Cards Ravens over Dirty Bird's Giants over Eagles Bucs over Vikings Bears over Saints Pats o'er Browns Jags over Steelers KC over Chargers Skins over Panthers Oakland beats Seahawks Bills over Fins Titans over 9ers Rams over Bengals Broncos over Jets anyone thinks they can beat me, mail your picks to me and watch them get destroyed From JeffP on Fri, Oct 1, 1999, 13:06:53: Your review of the Giant Glass 4th Quarter was so funny, you are forcing me to find it on TV this weekend, against my better judgment. From the people's champ on Sun, Sep 26, 1999, 08:05:25: The rock says that sports guy's pick arent worth 2 drops of monkey urine.the peoples team,the new england patriots will the smacketh down on those greasy pieces of trash from new york if you smelllllllllll la la la what the rock.....hey this isnt sing along with the great one, IF YOU SMELLLLL LA LA LA WHAT THE ROCK.....IS COOKIN. From Stump29 on Sat, Sep 25, 1999, 13:26:36: Please settle an argument I had with one of my friends last night at happy hour in Baltimore. What is funnier? A)Seeing a bunch of extras from the Keanau Reeves football movie pretending to be pro football players to impress the skirts at the local meat market. B)Seeing Stoney Case do the same thing. From bailathacl on Sat, Sep 25, 1999, 10:24:07: "Good God <hears hymn #48 from hymnal>, that's, that's GOD'S music!!!" From not important on Fri, Sep 24, 1999, 17:17:56: i picked that indy would no way lose to ne by 4 points the guys that say pats all the way obviously dont bet on them they just talk a lot lose your money every week tell me how much you like them then oh yeah then the jets get bombarded by buffalo so who did ne beat nobody From Ricardo on Fri, Sep 24, 1999, 16:17:33: Hey SportsGuy! I loved your Ewing rule working for the Lions, but there´s no way they´ll beat the Chiefs in Arrowhead!!! Oh, and expect the Niners pulling an upset in Arizona. Like Steve Young once said, you only have to win beautiful on figure skating! From Confused on Fri, Sep 24, 1999, 14:23:49: I've never been able to understand of this gambling lingo. What do the negative and postive numbers mean? when it says "san diego over indy," that means that san diego will beat indianiapolis? the numbers confuse me... From upstater on Mon, Sep 20, 1999, 12:03:22: SG, can you please pick the Pats to lose again for the next 15 weeks? Thanks in advance.
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