funny column

["Ozersky, Joshua A" <OzerskyJA@corning.com>]

This is today's Sports Guy column.  Not much about the celtics, but really funny.  Can somebody who knows how please add him to the group?  His email is sptguy33@aol.com  He told me it's ok.  Thanks.

OLD-TIME RAMBLINGS 
On dead-again Christians and other random thoughts (7/26)

   In case you're keeping a list at home for the "Troubled football players who have used our Lord's Savior's Jesus Christ as a crutch to convince everyone that they're not insane anymore," Lawrence Phillips is now a born-again Christian, but Curtis Enis is not. 

Apparently Curtis was born again... but he didn't like it too much. According to a superb 7/25 column by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti, Enis is drinking, swearing, cavorting, wearing flashy jewelry, showing off navel pierces, wearing t-shirts from local strip clubs, driving a brand-new $75,000 hummer, and telling reporters, "The guy you see now is the real me. It's the Curtis Enis from the Penn State days, from Ohio." 

(TRANSLATION: Hide the women and children! Curtis Enis is back!)

According to Mariotti, Enis has finally shaken off the spell of the Christian Fellowship and is back to doing what he does best -- just bein' Curtis. Now he's flaunting his new (old?) image by saying things like "I would have no problem being Jewish... I like to get money and make things happen" and "Last year was a horrible year. I knew in my gut something wasn't right. I was trying to live for them instead of for myself. I was trying to be Mark Brunell and Tony Boselli when I'm Curtis Enis."

My favorite preseason quote from Curtis so far?

"My Hummer is who I am," said Enis. "It's big and black, and I'm big and black. It doesn't conform, I don't conform. I'm not on this earth to be liked, you hear me? If people don't like me, I don't [care]. A Hummer is different than everything else on the road. I want to be completely different and unique, too." 

Yep, that's sports in the 90's. Last year Curtis Enis was touting the words of Jesus Christ. This year? He's touting the virtues of his big, black Hummer. 

Again, if you're scoring at home: Add Phillips, cross off Enis.

As usual, the Lord has refused comment. Onto the Ramblings...



***** ***** ***** ***** *****

THOUGHTS WHILE WONDERING WHY COACH DALE DIDN'T RUN MORE PLAYS FOR MERLE... 

If Digital City ever offered me a five-year, $55 million deal, the first thing I would do is buy a gold chain that has the letters "SG" spelled in diamonds and dangling in the middle. 

Are they ever NOT playing the Davis Cup? 

The worst part about WNBA games -- if that's possible -- are those players who have the "I got slimed by Ghostbusters goo and then Luther Vandross sat on my head" haircuts. 

Seeing Albert Belle in a Red Sox uniform would be the most fascinating sociological experiment since the last half of "Clockwork Orange." 

Has the coroner filed a report on Jose Offerman yet? 

Hey, it's almost time to get gas for the Tony Simmons Bandwagon! I'll tell ya... the thing's in tip-top shape. It's running so well that you'd never believe it's been in the garage for the past eight months. 

Choo-choo! All aboard! 

Next stop... Foxboro. Final destination... Maui! 

After his "butt-naked for an hour" performance at Woodstock last night, Red Hot Chili Peppers' guitarist Flea moved into my pantheon of "People who would be just plain fun to party with (dead or alive)," along with John Belushi, Chris Farley, Mo Vaughn, Mickey Mantle, Dr. Dre, Bob Lobel, Jim Morrison, Gene Simmons, Bill Murray, Norm McDonald and Dr. Jack Ramsey. 

Speaking of Woodstock, that three-day telecast had everything I was looking for when I forked down my $29.95 pay-per-view fee Friday -- great music and breasts galore! 

I felt like Shoeless Joe Jackson in "Field of Dreams as he looked around the ballfield: "Channel B20... is this heaven?" 

You know, every time I watch "Hoosiers," I hate Barbara Hershey's character a little bit more. 

It could be the 18th round and I wouldn't take Jamal Anderson in my roto draft this season. 


That reminds me, the over/under in Vegas for the Patriots' 1999 win total is 8.5. Yikes. Get ready for the quickest fall of a dynasty since Tony Montana tried to go to war with Sosa at the end of "Scarface." 

Brian Rose looks poised to go 12-12 every year for the next 15 years, if you get my drift. 

If Digital City ever offered me a five-year, $55 million deal, the second thing I would do is get the phrase "Big Poppa" tattoed on my arm, but in Chinese characters. 

You know, the biggest problem with soccer is that somebody can win the World Cup by a score of 0-0. I don't care if worn-out players are strewn around the field in the 5th overtime like the cast of "Rollerball"... somebody needs to score to win the game, dammit! 

In fact, let's make that a rule: A sport can't be called an actual sport if somebody can win a game by the score of 0-0. 

Thanks for seeing that one through with me. 

Seriously, I appreciate it. 

Seeing the newspaper headline "Pedro to miss one start, might go on DL" was the most scarring newspaper experience I've had since the Herald first introduced Jimmy Myers as a special guest columnist. 

The "Blair Witch project is so scary that I can't even rationally discuss it. 

I want the Sox to trade for Dave Nilsson just because we'd finally have an Australian guy on the team. People from Australia are just plain cool. It's a fact. It's indisputable. 

Even the tortured cop from "Reservoir Dogs" had bigger ears than the short-haired guitarist from Metallica. 

You know this women's sports thing has gone too far when they're showing old women's college basketball games on the Classic Sports Channel. The WNBA All-Star Game on ESPN was one thing -- "LOOK AT THAT NO-LOOK PASS!" -- but this latest development is far more horrifying. 

Hey ladies? Don't mess with Classic Sports. We gave you your own professional leagues. We gave you promotion for the Women's World Cup. We gave you Title IX. We've given you equal prize money in most tennis events. We even allowed Chris McKendry to appear on ESPN, in a salaried position, no less. 

Now? You're pushing it.

Stay off channel B36. That's MY channel. Stay off it. 

I'm not kidding. 

Speaking of Classic Sports, it doesn't get any better than coming home buzzed at 2:00AM on a Friday night and inadvertantly stumbling across a "Braves-Sixers" NBA playoff game from 1976. 

When it comes right down to it, I've never had any desire to win Ben Stein's money. 

My favorite line from "Boogie Nights" used to be either "It's a real film, Jack" or "Well thank you, Eddie," but after watching bits and pieces of the movie every night for the past six months on HBO, HBO2 or HBO3, I think both of them have been replaced by "Hey Jack? You think I should use a Spanish accent?" 

Jeez... contract talks between Byron Dafoe and the Bruins have stalled. I can't believe it. 

If Digital City ever offered me a five-year, $55 million deal, the third thing I would do is start a charity foundation called "Big Poppa's Project," in which I would pay for free breast implant surgeries for every needy woman between the ages of 18 and 28. 

I'm enjoying how many people are leaping on the "Arizona Cardinals look like an NFC sleeper" bandwagon. Can you say "Tampa Bay in '98"?

Listen, I don't care if they dumped Jim Leyritz after three months and I don't care if Damon Buford is this generation's version of Reid Nichols... the Aaron Sele trade was still Damien Duke's best trade in six years. 

"American Pie" was the first good "teenaged guys trying to get laid" movie in about 15 years. 

That reminds me, does it get any sadder than Lawrence Moroson crying on the steering wheel at the end of "Last American Virgin" while the James Ingram song "Just Once" plays in the background? 

I didn't think so. 

Hey, the midget from Kid Rock's band seems like a cool guy. 

Pervis Ellison is like a pimple that won't go away... and you pop it, but it only makes it worse... and then you have a big cyst on your face... then it scabs... so you put cover-up on it... and then you go out and you think nobody notices it, but everyone can tell you have a big covered-up scabbed zit from hell on your face. 

When you're talking about underrated Stallone movies, the conversation has to start off with "Lock Up." 

"Leone 510 ... Leone 510 ... Leone 510 ... Leone 510..." 

I'll be honest: I didn't really enjoy the Tomokuzu Ohka Era, or as my Dad liked to call it, "Not Ho Cho Minh... the other guy." 

Is there a worse live band than the Counting Crows? 

Well, it's gotten to the point that the Sports Gal screams out, "Oh God no! Come on! For the love of Christ! Shoot me!" every time I flick the channel to wrestling. 

If the Celts trade Antoine Walker for Vinnie Freaking Baker, somebody is going to have to storm the Celtics front office, take everyone hostage, force them to rescind the deal, and serve the mandatory prison sentence. 

Speaking of trades, there are two groups of Red Sox fans: Those who think John Valentin has trade value, and those who have actually been watching all the games this season. 

All right... it's almost time to send the search party out to look for Tiffani Amber-Thiessen. Get the Dobermans and the sonar ready. 

If Digital City ever offered me a five-year, $55 million deal, the fourth and final thing I would do is buy a customized Hummer with a TV and a DVD player in it. I'd also try to fit a pool table in the back. 

You know... if it was possible. 

Then I could shoot stick with my homies on the Mass Pike.

Bee-atch.

Come on, admit it: The more you think about it, the more you probably won't miss Robert Edwards that much this season. I mean, can't the Pats find someone else to run four yards and fall over? Lamont Warren is probably capable of that, isn't he? 

Hey, if he can pull that off this fall, he'll be my favorite Lamont since Lamont Sanford. 

Finally... does anyone know when they start filming on "The Blair Wasdin Project"? 



****E-mail me at SPTGUY33****
Joshua Ozersky
Marketing Communications
Environmental Products Division
Corning Incorporated.
HP-CB-02-C6A
Corning, New York 14831
Phone:  (607) 974-8124
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